Had i told you what she had told me when i had proposed during 2021 while i was in therapy. I was a mess back then too as you may remember. She told me she never fell in love with me. And that she's sorry for that. But it's not something she can control. She told me it's not her fault that it didn't happen. Which i can understand. Like most of the time I was a mess too. I want to change. I'm trying to change. But it's not easy either. And these sad thoughts keep coming up. I feel sad.
Now you can see why i drank. To cut off all these thoughts. When I'm like this, all I feel is this intense sadness that doesn't go away. I'm the only one who fell in love for some stupid reason. And knowing that, hurts.
I'm a mess. I should improve. I didn't give her a chance. Most of the time. I wasn't able to. And i regret all of that to the core of my existence.
Stupid fucking mental health. And then there are people who say everything is normal and it's just in my mind. Of course it's just in my mind but i can't seem to live with it.