Happiness

Happiness is something you only have in your imagination. I feel alone and wish to die.

Floating

I feel high. Floating, disconnected from everything.

I was listening to music by Linkin Park my favourite band.

And it somehow made me all high and disconnected.

Maybe this is normal.

The music is really intense and powerful.

Struggle

 My struggle is as real as it gets.

I am starting to hate everything.

Everything positive.

Everything positive that everyone enjoys makes me jealous.

I feel sad, lost and hopeless.

When is this all going to end?

What is the answer to this pain?

I am still struggling.

I don't want to struggle anymore.

It's hard. Too hard.

It's not fair. Not a bit.

But nothing can pull me out now.

I feel sad.

And I am still struggling.

I don't know what to do.

I feel sad.

Evil Me

 I have this me, who is all evil.

Pure evil that I would rather not stay conscious.

I think I know the reason now.

I am not sure, but maybe it is.

It is different from sadness in that I feel entirely different, not sad anymore, just evil.

Darkly evil and wicked.

Just feeling to get intoxicated constantly. 

Not because I am sad but to rather not be consious at all, 

The evil me laughs at myself

And everyone

It's like this predator that I don't hold a control of,

Destroying everything that stands in its way.

There's no joy or love anymore,

Just pure evil and sin.

Memories, Past and Complexity

I sometimes ponder over the memories. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes otherwise. And I think to myself how I messed it up with you. How it could have been? And maybe my small mistakes leading to a bad end? But I was confused. And I had issues. I didn't knew then. But then I did confess but you were long gone. Out of my reach. Then I have some panic moments with my past. The haunting horror that is myself. I find myself numb, alone and lost in that darkness sometimes. It was not something I wished for. Sometimes I think if I'll ever be okay. Maybe I never will be. Then there is this complexity of life. That I can't seem to parlay smoothly trapped among my memories and my past. I'm scared sometimes. Even of people close to me.