I don't want

I don't want anyone to have what I have.

I don't want anyone to feel the way I do.

I don't want anyone to struggle the way I do.

I miss the feeling of love.

Unable to love, I feel like I'm lost.

I feel like a person without much feelings.

I feel like something that simply exists but isn't alive.

I feel dead. But I know others are alive.

I want to be like that.

I want to be happy.

I want to be good.

I want to be able to love.

I want to be able to experience pleasure.

I want to just live.

I don't wish this for anyone.

Why haven't we solved this till now?

Where is love and magic?

Why haven't we healed ourselves from this darkness?

What did we do wrong?

Is this all there is?

Where does it matter?

Except to me?

The pain of feeling dead

Is this all there is?

The feeling of dread and despair

The feeling of jealousy and discomfort

Is this all there is?

Are you happy?

Are you acting?

Is anyone happy?

Where is my happiness?

Where do I find it?

What am I to do when I feel dead?

Is this all there is?

What is there to work on?

What is there to dream for?

Better but what will give me back my time

My time of happiness and joy

Time of missing love

Time of missing existence

Time of missing life

Where is life?

Where can I find it?

Am I getting better?

Death is beautiful indeed.

Is this all there is?

I remember some happy past,

And it seems and I hope that there is more

Atleast for you all

And hopefully more for me too

Soon. Soon enough.

Is this all there is?

Lucky

Lucky you are if you have the freedom to live and love.

Odd Piece Left Out

I'm in pain, the pain of having lived a lie, the pain of not knowing what's real and what is not, the pain of making simple decisions, the pain of realising you were left alone by the ones who you loved and cared for the most, the ones you believed will be there no matter what, the pain of not knowing what do next, the pain of just feeling sad, the pain of living and trying to be happy. Sometimes I feel okay, but even then I struggle to fit back in. I feel like an odd piece left out. I know I am getting better and getting all the help in the world. Maybe I will be happier soon. Maybe it will get easier to live. Maybe things will turn beautiful soon.

Depression and Sadness

Today I was reading on Marquis de Sade after I listened to Sadeness Part I by Enigma. The song feels like intensely questioning and analyzing the thoughts and ideas of Sade. It examines the fundamentals of humanity, love and existence. After some time, I started wondering whether he was depressed or mentally afflicted. He could have been, or maybe he was too libertine in his acts for the time and too non-human for his ideas. Maybe the point was the liberation of the human soul rather than the affliction of pain and suffering upon others. Maybe we miss the whole point of his life. Maybe we are still missing the idea of liberation and love. Why do we find it hard to love each other?

Then at some point, I started finding sadness pleasurable. Pleasurable with hope, with future, with a certain quality of redemption. After all, it's a feeling that we are meant to experience and adore. But then what makes it different from depression? Then I had a bout of depression, suddenly I felt the pain, the excruciating pain of existence. Pain without pleasure, without hope, and the certain quality of redemption. Suddenly I found myself scared. Scared of people. Scared of myself. Thoughts became hopeless and pessimistic all of a sudden. I remembered the way I woke up yesterday, with the stinging pain that was so intolerable that I wished for death rather than being alive. Pain so unbearable I wished I stopped existing altogether. Pain that sometimes makes me feel crumbled unless I engage in some soothing words from another human soul which suddenly pulls me back into the reality where hope exists at least for them. Numb, incapable of affection, empathy and love where your whole life feels like a lie that was never meant to be. Even the fundamental pleasures of human existence are denied. That's what's different from sadness. In sadness, your mind is still in your control. You have redemption somewhere sometime. In depression, things are beyond you. There is nothing much to do but to hope that the pain will end soon or that you will end soon.

High?

Kashmir Kashmir Kashmir

Led Zeppelin

Black Dog

Keyboard

Visiting friends

Happy?

High?

Can't work?

Don't care.

Won't work?

Still hate?

Maybe maybe not

Don't care.

Haha

Ah ah ah ah

Anxious?

Maybe?

Not sure

Oh yeah

Happiness

Happiness is something you only have in your imagination. I feel alone and wish to die.

Floating

I feel high. Floating, disconnected from everything.

I was listening to music by Linkin Park my favourite band.

And it somehow made me all high and disconnected.

Maybe this is normal.

The music is really intense and powerful.

Struggle

 My struggle is as real as it gets.

I am starting to hate everything.

Everything positive.

Everything positive that everyone enjoys makes me jealous.

I feel sad, lost and hopeless.

When is this all going to end?

What is the answer to this pain?

I am still struggling.

I don't want to struggle anymore.

It's hard. Too hard.

It's not fair. Not a bit.

But nothing can pull me out now.

I feel sad.

And I am still struggling.

I don't know what to do.

I feel sad.

Evil Me

 I have this me, who is all evil.

Pure evil that I would rather not stay conscious.

I think I know the reason now.

I am not sure, but maybe it is.

It is different from sadness in that I feel entirely different, not sad anymore, just evil.

Darkly evil and wicked.

Just feeling to get intoxicated constantly. 

Not because I am sad but to rather not be consious at all, 

The evil me laughs at myself

And everyone

It's like this predator that I don't hold a control of,

Destroying everything that stands in its way.

There's no joy or love anymore,

Just pure evil and sin.

Memories, Past and Complexity

I sometimes ponder over the memories. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes otherwise. And I think to myself how I messed it up with you. How it could have been? And maybe my small mistakes leading to a bad end? But I was confused. And I had issues. I didn't knew then. But then I did confess but you were long gone. Out of my reach. Then I have some panic moments with my past. The haunting horror that is myself. I find myself numb, alone and lost in that darkness sometimes. It was not something I wished for. Sometimes I think if I'll ever be okay. Maybe I never will be. Then there is this complexity of life. That I can't seem to parlay smoothly trapped among my memories and my past. I'm scared sometimes. Even of people close to me.

My Love

I'm in so much pain because of my love.

I feel like it'll never go away.

I'm paralyzed and scared.

I feel like I'll keep on hurting people no matter what I try.

Just because of the way I am.

Because of my love.

Tell me my love, was it all worth?

Is this all worth living at all?

Okay with Being Sad

 I was okay with being sad. It's something that I had wished for myself in 2014. But what if it's starting to hurt myself and others. What should I do then? Where did I go wrong? Or is this how life is meant to be?

Where did my love go? Why did God left me in this darkness? Why did he forbade me?

Fate?

I never thought I would mess up in life

When I was a child

I always thought life would be fair

You try to do good

You'll be good and happy

Whatever it is

Rather i have become this worst version

And I don't know if I can heal and change

Sometimes I lose hope

But I don't have the courage to quit either

So I just exist

Mostly

Who is there to blame?

Fate?

Or life itself?

Breathing

My soul is breathing now.

Thanks to you.

It was caged for years

and now it's breathing

and healing slowly.

I never thought I would feel this way

again in my life.

You can't imagine how it feels.

It's like I have risen from hell

Risen from being dead.

Truly.

Or in words of my past

"To realise the beauty of rain, you have to walk through the deserts."

And I was in the desert again,

lost without a compass

But now I see the rain

And I cherish it with all my heart

The clouds look beautiful

And I love the rainbow

Everything seems so bright and shiny

And I'm happy, again

After so many years.

Thanks again.

Love you lots.

Messed Up Me

I just realised how messed up I am.

Like how messed up everything I made. 

Lovely.

I so wish I was not born at all.

Pretty messed up life.

I suppose.

I don't feel sad. Just remorse.

Can I please get some years back?

Please please

Mess my stupid mind and it's flaws

Do you know what the craziest part is?

I don't think it's all over yet.

It's still there to mess me up more.

To break me into more pieces.

To bleed more

Till I die

And then it all ends

For the good

Away You Beautiful Souls

Oh you loved ones,

Stay away from me,

I'm not beautiful always,

Like now, I'm not always

Stay far away,

So that I can be true in my love,

And never hurt you all more,

Coz at times I don't understand myself

Or I don't have myself

Or I don't have love

Or what will happen to me

Or what will happen to the people around me

Maybe it will all change around for good

But just maybe, what if it doesn't?

Away you beautiful souls

Far far away

Away you beautiful souls

Until we all meet again

Away you beautiful souls

The beauty of it all

Love is like that.

Loves you in an instant.

Heals you in an instant.

Makes you everything in an instant.

Everything there is.

Just like that. 

A beautiful moment.

Now and Nothing else.

Maybe the most valuable thing we all share.

Sometimes even without us realizing it all.

 

Sometimes we deviate

Either because of the unrealized love

Or because we can't

But still it stays beautiful in the end

Whatever we are, whatever we were,

Whatever we might be, it never changes

Love stays the same.

Nothing can harm it.

It is always there. For all of us to realize.

For some of us it won't be easy.

For some of us it might be easy but we might not realize it.

 

The completion of everything.

The oneness of life.

The divinity and purity of existence.

The ever healing fountain of elixir.

Simple yet elegant

Like you and me, in love

Will I be banished again?

Will we be banished again?

from the heavenly garden of Eden?

I pray for not.

 

For what is existence without love?

For what is existence without you?

For what else matters in this world other than it all?

Broken Soul

Sometimes I feel so broken to the soul. Because of my past and because of how the way things have been for me.

Why does it have to be like that?

Why does it have to hurt?

It's been seven years.

Time has flown away.

Without me realizing it all.

 

Why does it have to hurt still?

Is it fair? Was anything fair at all?

I know it has hurt us both. Many a times.

But why didn't we find each other at all?

Was it just because of me and me?

 

Why didn't you express yourself?

I will never know.

Why does it always have to be me?

Asking you and getting hurt, again and again.

Why does it have to be that way?

It's not fair.

 

Why didn't you just tell?

You could have. Things would have been better with you.

But you never did. And I wonder why.

I can't just guess and decide you know.

Not after what we had been through.

It has always been "never saw you like that"

And so I was confused.

Twice. But you could have just said.

And it would have all worked out.

I would never know why you never did.

It hurts me still. And I don't know if it should.

Now of all times.

But it just does. I just wish we had it worked out.

I just wish you had just told me then.

 

After all the seven years, I find myself telling you

and still it doesn't work out.

I thought after all these years, maybe this is our time.

Maybe I have enough karma.

Maybe I have had enough for my sins and of my curses.

 

And it's only me bleeding now.

It is not fair. Not a bit. Not at all.

I wish it was all different. I just wish.

I know it doesn't change. But still I just wish.

I wish I never met you.

Never talked with you.

Never loved you.

 

Seven years it's been. But somehow I find myself missing you now.

Why does it have to be like that?

Why does it have to always hurt me like that?

Why do I have to cry about you all the time like that?

Why can't God see what we have been through?

It's not fair.

I just wish. And I just wish.

Maybe in our next life, our love be stronger than our egos.

That we find each other somehow.

For us to be together.

For you have always been part of me.

Stay happy.

And keep smiling.

Miss you good old love.

Miss you.

Karma

Doing my karma in a non real universe.

Heaven and three hells

When you are a mess

What can one do when one is a mess?

There are two paths to follow. Stay in the mess and try to enjoy it. Else try to identify why one is a mess, and try to escape it. Both options are just fine and will produce different experiences.

Depression

Depression is not having the hope to breathe.

Not having the hope to eat.

Not having the hope to sleep.

Not having the hope to talk.

When you feel like no one really cares about you.

When you feel like you are alone.

And that everything's going wrong

No matter how hard you try

No matter what you try

You eventually mess up

Like the mess you are

You are scared of forming relationship

Talking to new people

The only thing that seems possible is to just survive somehow till you find the inevitable courage to do the inevitable.

Everything seems pointless.

Mere existence is pointless.

Everything is out of order.

You know you are not normal

But you don't know why

And why you can't be just normal

Just happy

Nothing works anymore.

Even love 

Everything has failed.

Before you.

Everything.

Even love.

Just sad.

Cruelly.

Sad.