Yoghurt with Lactaid

I feel somewhat calm and sleepy after having lassi(sweet yoghurt) with lactaid enzymes. Maybe I am gluten intolerant, or having potent celiac disease or non-celiac gluten sensitivity. I don't know about that. But this feels nice over the obsession and compulsion.

Okay but Dry

I feel okay but I feel dry 

Without much happiness or pleasure

Finding myself thinking about other people's happiness and pleasure

I have to find a way to please myself

Should I have gluten?

Or should I have fermented whey liquid?

Or should I have kefir with some lactose enzyme?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do

But then I know I have to do something

Else i won't be able to live well

I should find an answer soon

It's a dilemma like no other

I'm stuck till I find an answer

Trying

I am trying so hard to feel okay without the medicines. But it might not happen. I am seeing if casein is giving me the issues. It could be. It could not be. Or it could be just gluten or lactose. I have to keep and open mind. I have to try again. And if it doesn't work, go back promptly to medicine. No point in struggling. Even though medicine isn't perfect, its a better state than this I feel.

At this pace

At this pace, I won't survive longer

I simply can't

Depression is revealing itself

Together with all the emotional mess it can bring in

I truly hope this stops with me

I'm tired

Is it all my fault?

That I'm missing you

That I'm missing happiness

That I feel like I was always a mess

That I was never happy 

Even with you 

That I am blue

And cold like ice buried under

Why is it taking me places with you?

Why do I have to miss you?

Why do I have to miss all the happiness in this world?

Isn't it cruel?

Should I cry? 

And i know even that won't help

Not a bit

Not a tiny bit

Depression

I am back in the blue tent
And I think this time it could be the casein or the lactose
But whatever it is, the sadness is true
It is there. Covering me like snow.
I can see things but then I feel sad.
There is no pleasure.
I am listening to Storms by Fleetwood Mac,
and I gotta say that the song is very relatable for me

Maybe we all are lost and in search of a shore
Like a ship lost in a storm
Or it's just few like us who wander the
depths of the human mind
Without knowing where to go
where to move
We get stuck in the emotional chaos
Due to one or the other reasons
I truly wish we were together
Would have been easier for me to
part the seas

Now I am low
And I don't want this
Maybe it will go away
I should stop testing casein
I feel sad
Very sad 

Anhedonia

I think I had some casein or lactose.
I don't know what causes this lack of pleasure.
All I can say is it's painful
It's like a window where you can see the rainbow without colours.
You know there is pleasure but it's not for you
What's the point then? 
Of living? 
If everything feels dead
Like your inside

Off medicine

Now that I am off medicine,
I don't feel much pleasure.
I don't know what I should do to feel pleasure.
Maybe I should try kefir with lactase enzymes?
Should I stop having gluten altogether?

I miss people, and I feel that I am missing out on life.
Why is it always like this?

Craving Gluten

I crave to have just gluten all the time.
The emotion is addictive.
Even though it might be destructive, which I am not sure of.
I am really confused.

Creeping Back

I feel like my depression is slowly creeping back in my mind more and more every day since I stopped my medicine. Maybe I need to work on gluten, and have yogurt? Just maybe?

I am confused and irritated now.

Tat tvam asi — That thou art

 

Without Eggs

I feel dead. I feel dry. I think it's the lack of nutrition hitting me. I should go have some eggs since I am dairy free

My brain feels fogged.