I'm so hurt, lost and hopeless

I have to go pickup my brother.

It's my duty.

He has no one else.

I'm not feeling well enough.

I'll take the meds as doctor said.

Maybe things will improve.

Idk but I have to try it blindly.

What else to do?

If my mind is not able to find hope in this life without yoghurt, what else can I do to live?
Shouldn't I live? or Should I just give up?
My mental health is struggling and I don't even know why.
I just wish I never existed.

Restarting Yoghurt

My mind is going away from me without happiness

It's going like a kite without a string

I might have to restart yoghurt and see if I can find some happiness

No happiness that I can feel

I don't feel anything.

I feel numb.

Should I restart having eggs?

What's wrong with my stomach?

Really tired

I'm trying to not take the yoghurt and I'm very tired. 

I'm trying to eat eggs instead but I'm not sure if it's working. 

I wish God came and took me by his hand and ended this suffering for me. 

I'm tired.

I don't feel well

I don't feel that well. I don't know if it's the lack of fermented yoghurt or because of some stupid sibo or because of the gluten I had a week before. I hope i get better. I have lost hope.

Feeling terrible

Ever since I started having gluten, I have been having terrible. Yuck It almost hurts. But what can i do? There is no proof. I am just a bad human. There's no point in me trying anything. 

Bla bla

My celiac blood tests are negative. During endoscopy everything was normal but biopsy showed marsh 1 inflammation. All of this was during gluten containing diet for 22 weeks. I tested for sibo using hydrogen breath test it came out negative also. I am very severely lactose intolerant. I struggle with my mental health also. What kind of issue am I having? I am having eggs now and gluten but i don't feel well at all.

Tired, Capitalism and Babies

I am really tired. I don't know if it's gluten, lack of yogurt. And I see people struggling around me. Yet we have become a lot of people. Have we failed as a species? Is it failure of capitalism? Do we need more balance? Or are we more people than we can take care of. Are we not kind to each other? Are we behind luxuries?

Depressed

 I am so tired and depressed without the heavily fermented yoghurt. Should I have it more or will it feed into my SIBO if i have it? I don't know. But i am very tired now. I don't have energy or mind for anything.

Some sort of Fever

 I feel like having some sort of fever. Could it be the SIBO die off? I feel tired and mentally miss too. But maybe this will improve in few days? Was lactose indigestion feeding the bacteria and thereby chronic inflammation? Have I solved the problem? Only the hydrogen breath test can say. I hope I become better both mentally and physically.

SIBO?

Could my issues be all SIBO? I get stomach issues and depression even after having some curd.

Tired

I feel tired when i don't have fermented yoghurt. Even having eggs or multivitamin doesn't help. No motivation.

Not Well

I don't feel well today.

I lack energy.

I am not able to work or think properly.

I feel try.

I crave for the heavily fermented yoghurt.

Should I have it now or should I not?

Some Days

Somedays I find it difficult to brush my teeth after waking up. I try to have more black coffee so that I may do that and start the day.

Ship

The ship is finally starting to sail slowly.
It is touching waters.
It could bring calm to a lot of mariners.
It is bringing me some calm.
It enforces stability and peace rather than chaos.
New patterns to fish, sail and travel.
It might take sometime to adapt.
But once it is adapted it could heal souls. 

Fried

 My brain is fried, thanks to stupid gluten.

Less Starter

Adding less amount of starter for the yoghurt seems to lead to less fermented yoghurt. And it's affecting both my physical and mental health. Maybe I need lactase enzyme tablets if this doesn't work.

Gluten Shock

I still feel shocked to the core.
My mind is in shock.
My body is in shock.

Rust and Web

The Rust ecosystem needs something very developer friendly for the web development like Laravel(or codeigniter), Ruby on Rails(from what I have heard), or something very enterprise, scalable like Spring and Spring Boot.

I have been working with axum lately, and it seems there is a lot of opportunity in the space to create something beautiful, so that developers can focus on the business logic itself rather than the problems that everyone needs fixed.

Loco.rs seems like an interesting idea. I don't like the name though. But it is good to see projects like that. Another aspect that I found wonderful was the ability to reuse projects based on traits. In axum, you can use anything that supports the tower trait. Maybe, it is the way to go in the future.

Rust could in a way cut down server costs if it can bring in more ease to the development.

Normal yoghurt/curd

My body finds it difficult to digest normal yoghurt and indian curd. Even with other food items, it's not a pleasant experience for my body. And it affects my mind too. Kills my joy and motivation.

I should stay away from those.

Gluten

Gluten is like a shock to my body
Both for my mind and body
My soul feels dry
Mind feels dead
Body feels strained

Yet my results are never positive enough

Happiness

When my heart is filled with love,
thanks to heavily fermented yogurt,
and the my work is blooming,
for which i have almost put
more than an year of my effort
it's joy in my heart.

It's beautiful to see your ideas working
especially since it's been long
since something real came out
from my works.

I hope this grows
Grows like a banyan tree
spreading joy, love, and peace
to everyone around me
and this whole wide world

let there be more light and love in this world
let everyone realize the beauty of love
there is nothing more beautiful in this world than love
let's love one another, always
and be one with ourselves and everything

Lack of Happiness

This lack of happiness hurts.
Paranoia with it doesn't help.Maybe I should try having lactase enzyme with the heavily fermented yoghurt.
I hate my life.

Burning

It's like being burned by every thought
better to not exist at all

P.S. thank you gluten!

depressed, sad and irritated

I feel very depressed, sad and irritated. Improperly fermented yoghurt doesn't help with my mental health. It might even contribute to the mess, thanks to stupid IBS.

I should be more careful in having only heavily fermented yoghurt (48 hours). Maybe that will help; otherwise, I will have to resort to lactase enzymes. I don't wanna try gluten again. It's a different mess altogether. If all of this doesn't work, I will have to go on meds again. Even if it's harsh, it seems better than this. At least, I could work.

24 hour fermented yoghurt

 For some reason I don't know, even 24 hour fermented yogurt is not sufficient to make me happy. Without happiness I feel sad. No motivation to work. Hopeless.

Heavily Fermented Yoghurt

I have to write about what helps me. Otherwise, it would not be fair to me or others. Perhaps it can help others as well. Those who have struggles with their mental health and happiness.

I am not able to tolerate lightly fermented curd. Even a little thing impacts my ability to feel happiness. Gluten makes me a mess.

But what helps me is 48-hour fermented yogurt. It soothes me. My mind, body and soul. I crave it all the time. Hopefully, I will be able to drink it when I need it.

It's not a want, it's a necessity for happiness.

Maybe, finally, I have broken the depression code?

Why does it have to be this way?

I'm such a mess

Dream

We all dream of freedom and happiness
But sometimes it's quite hard to find both
Especially when we are missing one

Yoghurt with Lactaid

I feel somewhat calm and sleepy after having lassi(sweet yoghurt) with lactaid enzymes. Maybe I am gluten intolerant, or having potent celiac disease or non-celiac gluten sensitivity. I don't know about that. But this feels nice over the obsession and compulsion.

Okay but Dry

I feel okay but I feel dry 

Without much happiness or pleasure

Finding myself thinking about other people's happiness and pleasure

I have to find a way to please myself

Should I have gluten?

Or should I have fermented whey liquid?

Or should I have kefir with some lactose enzyme?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do

But then I know I have to do something

Else i won't be able to live well

I should find an answer soon

It's a dilemma like no other

I'm stuck till I find an answer

Trying

I am trying so hard to feel okay without the medicines. But it might not happen. I am seeing if casein is giving me the issues. It could be. It could not be. Or it could be just gluten or lactose. I have to keep and open mind. I have to try again. And if it doesn't work, go back promptly to medicine. No point in struggling. Even though medicine isn't perfect, its a better state than this I feel.

At this pace

At this pace, I won't survive longer

I simply can't

Depression is revealing itself

Together with all the emotional mess it can bring in

I truly hope this stops with me

I'm tired

Is it all my fault?

That I'm missing you

That I'm missing happiness

That I feel like I was always a mess

That I was never happy 

Even with you 

That I am blue

And cold like ice buried under

Why is it taking me places with you?

Why do I have to miss you?

Why do I have to miss all the happiness in this world?

Isn't it cruel?

Should I cry? 

And i know even that won't help

Not a bit

Not a tiny bit

Depression

I am back in the blue tent
And I think this time it could be the casein or the lactose
But whatever it is, the sadness is true
It is there. Covering me like snow.
I can see things but then I feel sad.
There is no pleasure.
I am listening to Storms by Fleetwood Mac,
and I gotta say that the song is very relatable for me

Maybe we all are lost and in search of a shore
Like a ship lost in a storm
Or it's just few like us who wander the
depths of the human mind
Without knowing where to go
where to move
We get stuck in the emotional chaos
Due to one or the other reasons
I truly wish we were together
Would have been easier for me to
part the seas

Now I am low
And I don't want this
Maybe it will go away
I should stop testing casein
I feel sad
Very sad 

Anhedonia

I think I had some casein or lactose.
I don't know what causes this lack of pleasure.
All I can say is it's painful
It's like a window where you can see the rainbow without colours.
You know there is pleasure but it's not for you
What's the point then? 
Of living? 
If everything feels dead
Like your inside

Off medicine

Now that I am off medicine,
I don't feel much pleasure.
I don't know what I should do to feel pleasure.
Maybe I should try kefir with lactase enzymes?
Should I stop having gluten altogether?

I miss people, and I feel that I am missing out on life.
Why is it always like this?

Craving Gluten

I crave to have just gluten all the time.
The emotion is addictive.
Even though it might be destructive, which I am not sure of.
I am really confused.

Creeping Back

I feel like my depression is slowly creeping back in my mind more and more every day since I stopped my medicine. Maybe I need to work on gluten, and have yogurt? Just maybe?

I am confused and irritated now.

Tat tvam asi — That thou art

 

Without Eggs

I feel dead. I feel dry. I think it's the lack of nutrition hitting me. I should go have some eggs since I am dairy free

My brain feels fogged.

Tapering

A few of my closest friends had told me that I was different before, that I was calm and collected. They were curious about what happened to me. They couldn't grasp what happened to me. They still might think that I am creating all the fuss.

Now, I am trying to taper my medicine with a casein-free diet(dairy-free now, thinking of adding fermented whey liquid back later). Maybe casein was all there was to my mental health issues. Perhaps casein was the one causing all the inflammation in my body. Maybe once I stop casein, my mind and body can heal. Finally, I might be able to enjoy life more.

Stopping Medicine?

I am trying to stop the medicine that I am taking.
I don't know if it's the right choice to make.
It's the second day and I am already feeling dizzy.
I had half of the medicine to taper.
Should I keep having gluten?
What are the spots on my head?
Should I try having casein?
Will the lactose intolerance fade away?
Should I just sleep?
I don't know what's right.
My stomach's big
What are the things that upsets my stomach?
Without the medicine I might be able to identify things clearer?

I find myself more open to the idea that casein could be the source of my inflammation, and thereby my mental health issues.

Nutrition

I think one of the core issue why I struggle mentally is my dietary restrictions.
I have been a vegan mostly till I turned 19.
After that I had tried adding milk, but it didn't went well sadly.
But then when I go vegan, I feel lifeless and confused.
It's like I need something more. And milk helps initially.
B12 tablets doesn't help with that feelings.
I am experimenting with eggs now.
I have been finding it easier to have omelettes.
Today I am trying out boiled egg pieces with chilly powder and salt.

Don't judge me but I feel alive a little right after eating a small piece.
May I get more courage to eat more nutritious food soon. 

Depression

Depression hits me like a brick out of the blue.
It was not there and yet it is back again. Since three days.
Not sure if it's bipolar, or the casein that i accidently ingest.
Gluten doesn't seem to make me happy anymore.
Nothing pleases me.
I don't feel any good even on the medicine.
I am thinking of stopping it.
Maybe it will give me more clarity.
Clarity which I surely need now.
Don't want this sadness with me.
Can't do anything with heart. 

Suddenly

Suddenly everything is irritating.

Every dirt tears me apart to the core.

My skin bleeds with every dirt and imperfection.

Note Added Later (Thursday, 3 July 2025 12:09:52):

I had some butter as part of green peas masala for dinner, and I am assuming that caused or started all the chaos for reasons not scientifically known to me. Either the lactose leading to bacterial imbalance is causing slight inflammation in my small intestinal lining(Marsh 1 Inflammation) leading to depression, or the undigested lactose could also be affecting the production of serotonin.

I am unsure at the moment of what exactly is causing the issue. It could be casein too. Gluten gives me a burning sensation, but I am continuing with it since I feel it makes me a lot more lively and happy for now. I am on medicine too. So can't really say for sure.

Gluten Again

 I am trying out gluten again while on medicine. I am not having much yoghurt or lactose free milk. I suspect lactose or casein for the marsh 1 inflammation.

I don't know what I am doing is right or not. Sometimes I feel good and active. Excited.

But sometimes I don't feel that good either. But I am motivated to work. Sometimes I feel tired.

There is no pleasure still. It feels dry. Maybe I should give this more try and then decide.

Hope I don't mess up a lot. And finish my work targets on time.

On meds

I wanted to share how I feel about medicines with you all.

I am currently on Desvenlafaxine, an SNRI(Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor). The dosage is low. It seems to be helping me stay hopeful and motivated. Even though there are some side effects, in general, I feel like it's good for me, at least for now.

I still can't have lactose. I am confused and scared of gluten.

Maybe I will get more clarity over time. I hope so.

Obsessive

All these obsessions 

They bleed into my skin

Eat my soul alive

Tear me to the core

And yet i can't stop thinking about you

Why? Why can't you leave me alone? 

I know it's not your fault

But I'm begging 

Can't keep thinking about you

Without you by my side

I'm lost

Go away

Leave me alone

Everything is you now

And it's sad

Diet

Low after consuming lactose

High initially after consuming gluten

Yearnings

My soul yearns to love,

Yet it can't

My soul yearns to breathe,

Yet it can't

My soul yearns to smile,

Yet it can't

It's this fever that's with me

Always, that bounds my soul

It can't seem to leave me behind 

Please leave me,

Let me see

And then there is the obsession

Which is you

That I have to fight somedays

For no reason at all

Which part of me is true?

The fever or the obsession?

Which part of me is me?

The low or the high?

Why is it like this?

It's killing my soul

How will I live without love?

My soul yearns to leave,

Yet it can't

Intense, No Depth, Missing, Anxiety(Severe?)

On gluten

Whey

 Nothing helps me like fermented whey liquid.

Everyone's Sleeping (for Abyss)

I'm burning, can't you see?

Can't escape this pain

And there's no end in sight

Heart's broken, can't breathe

Yet i have to do what's expected of me

Like a clock I'm ticking

And no one can see this pain

Everyone's sleeping

Can't see all the madness

Where's the food? I'm hungry. 

Feed me. I'm starving.

You don't see us dying and begging for life

Cause everyone's sleeping

Sleeping in a life of excess

Why all the rape? Yet no one can love freely

Why all the judgements?

Where's all your love?

Can't you see us crying?

Maybe afterall, we didn't want this life?

Are you still sleeping?

Can you see us all in pain?

Help us and love us.

Oh god, help us

Derealization

To do right

To do right I need to be able to love

Which I'm not right now

And I don't know why

One should be able to love oneself and others

I think that's essential to a good life

Maybe I need meds

Focus on Happiness

I need to focus myself so that I may experience happiness.
Be it going gluten free, low lactose or even not having casein.
Together with fermented whey liquid, exercise, sunlight and meditation.
Fill my heart with love, and passion
To work and enjoy the pleasure of creating things
I should feel happier again, slowly but surely I have to try.
Maybe I am more knowledgeable now on what to do.
I have to care about the execution now.

Anxious Delusions

Anxious brain creates some delusions

Which feels so real that it's hard to realise that they are delusions

You get to live with the anxious thoughts and beliefs which in turn affect how you live and experience life.

It's painful and even more painful when the glaring delusions start to affect other people.

You try to change but you are enslaved to your anxiety.

And those delusions come back.

And you get to live it again.

Worst of all, you get to relive the memories of it all. How you hurt them.

And how even a slight change in the course of events could have avoided everything.

Who's to blame?

Is it the anxiety or you?

In the end, it's just you

Who suffer and have to bear with the consequences.

Not your anxiety

And that won't sit well with the anxious brain either.