Draining

The mornings have become draining and exhausting. I don't know if the tapering of the medicine or the stupid gluten I had earlier this week. Or if i am needing to have more yogurt daily. What I do know is that I am tired of this life. It's too hard to live by.

I am hoping this stupid feelings will go away slowly as I stay away from gluten.

Lack of proof and the struggles

 Yesterday, I struggled to sleep at night since I had both coffee and didn't have enough yoghurt. When I felt chaotic I had some biscuits and I got to say I felt crazy the whole day today. I don't have any proof for this gluten thing though. Yet I feel sad and disgusted by myself and how I feel. I don't know what else I can do but to avoid gluten and try to be happy and content. I am angry and irritated.

Challenges of Designing Something Novel

The ship might seem very simple from the outside. At first, I thought it would be simple to design and operate as well. But as the journey goes on, I’m beginning to realize the hardships, pain, loss, and struggles I have to face in order to improve the ship. I’ve added more safety features because of the limitations of the fragile human mind. Yet that weakness affects everything, including the mind itself. It is painful to watch and experience.

Obstructions

There are things that obstruct me from love and unity.
I feel sad and terrible when I am like that.
Hopefully, I will feel better soon.
Nothing feels good when I am like this.
Nothing is good enough to strive for.
I don't know if its gluten or the lack of yoghurt.

What is the science behind all of this? 

I feel dry

My project didn't work well yesterday.
Couldn't go to gym or badminton due to muscle pain.
Didn't have enough yoghurt and I don't feel good.

I have to keep trying today though. What other option do I have?

Essence

When I don't have fermented yogurt timely, I feel dead and dry.
Without it I feel like I have lost the essence of life.
No ability to love or live.
After all, milk is considered as Amrit in Ayurveda.

Lactose Intolerance and Depression - ChatGPT Deep Research

 See the pdf output.

Dependence on Dairy

Even though I am severely lactose intolerant, I start feeling low once I don't consume enough dairy products. The irony of it all. I am running on lactose free milk for now. I need to make good yogurt at home which I can hopefully tolerate better.

Heavily Fermented Yoghurt

I have to write about what helps me. Otherwise, it would not be fair to me or others. Perhaps it can help others as well. Those who have struggles with their mental health and happiness.

I am not able to tolerate lightly fermented curd. Even a little thing impacts my ability to feel happiness. Gluten makes me a mess.

But what helps me is 48-hour fermented yogurt. It soothes me. My mind, body and soul. I crave it all the time. Hopefully, I will be able to drink it when I need it.

It's not a want, it's a necessity for happiness.

Maybe, finally, I have broken the depression code?

Okay but Dry

I feel okay but I feel dry 

Without much happiness or pleasure

Finding myself thinking about other people's happiness and pleasure

I have to find a way to please myself

Should I have gluten?

Or should I have fermented whey liquid?

Or should I have kefir with some lactose enzyme?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do

But then I know I have to do something

Else i won't be able to live well

I should find an answer soon

It's a dilemma like no other

I'm stuck till I find an answer

Tapering

A few of my closest friends had told me that I was different before, that I was calm and collected. They were curious about what happened to me. They couldn't grasp what happened to me. They still might think that I am creating all the fuss.

Now, I am trying to taper my medicine with a casein-free diet(dairy-free now, thinking of adding fermented whey liquid back later). Maybe casein was all there was to my mental health issues. Perhaps casein was the one causing all the inflammation in my body. Maybe once I stop casein, my mind and body can heal. Finally, I might be able to enjoy life more.

Nutrition

I think one of the core issue why I struggle mentally is my dietary restrictions.
I have been a vegan mostly till I turned 19.
After that I had tried adding milk, but it didn't went well sadly.
But then when I go vegan, I feel lifeless and confused.
It's like I need something more. And milk helps initially.
B12 tablets doesn't help with that feelings.
I am experimenting with eggs now.
I have been finding it easier to have omelettes.
Today I am trying out boiled egg pieces with chilly powder and salt.

Don't judge me but I feel alive a little right after eating a small piece.
May I get more courage to eat more nutritious food soon. 

Suddenly

Suddenly everything is irritating.

Every dirt tears me apart to the core.

My skin bleeds with every dirt and imperfection.

Note Added Later (Thursday, 3 July 2025 12:09:52):

I had some butter as part of green peas masala for dinner, and I am assuming that caused or started all the chaos for reasons not scientifically known to me. Either the lactose leading to bacterial imbalance is causing slight inflammation in my small intestinal lining(Marsh 1 Inflammation) leading to depression, or the undigested lactose could also be affecting the production of serotonin.

I am unsure at the moment of what exactly is causing the issue. It could be casein too. Gluten gives me a burning sensation, but I am continuing with it since I feel it makes me a lot more lively and happy for now. I am on medicine too. So can't really say for sure.

Failures

What are failures?
        Failures are simply outcomes, same as success. We think failures are always the opposite of success. But, as everything in this world is relative, failures and success too are relative. That's the beauty of relativity. Failures(relative) are something bound to happen. It's like saying you shall always get heads on tossing a coin. Since there is a probability, it always has the probability.
 
Does that matter?
        This is a tricky question indeed. You cannot predict future. All you can do is to make the best out of the present. This moment.

Is it necessary to happen?
No, actually, it is not necessary. It may or may not happen in one's lives. Everything is relative. So, failures and success too is relative.

Overcoming failures
         Is it possible? I know it is impossible to overcome failures. Simply saying, failures can't be overcome, it can only be turned into a footstep of success or indeed a success.(relative)

Footsteps of success
         There is nothing like absolute success or failure in this world. Everything is relative, just as it is in physics. The thing is to have the "right now" moment with freedom of mind. This is the key to happiness.

What's the key to happiness?
         Don't laugh. It's love.

What happens usually with persons during a failure?(their perspective)
         It is not failures that affect a person's mental freedom actually. It's the inability to accept the failure that kills the freedom.

How to accept failures?
         Specifically speaking, inability doesn't affect freedom directly. When we lose, we start losing on our love to others, may be to our opponents(at times to people who care us! - everything is relative). This loss in love does affect our mind. Something affecting our thoughts will for sure affect our health. We start hating people. When we start hating others, we start hating ourselves and the problem gets complicated gradually leading to mental illness and disorders.

Love?
        Yes. It is the key to freedom of soul. It's our soul. Love everything in this world with all your heart and you will feel free. Try this once, and say!

Is it that simple?
        The most beautiful thing in this world. Simple, elegant, charming just like you. I love you.