Sadness

Had i told you what she had told me when i had proposed during 2021 while i was in therapy. I was a mess back then too as you may remember. She told me she never fell in love with me. And that she's sorry for that. But it's not something she can control. She told me it's not her fault that it didn't happen. Which i can understand. Like most of the time I was a mess too. I want to change. I'm trying to change. But it's not easy either. And these sad thoughts keep coming up. I feel sad.

Now you can see why i drank. To cut off all these thoughts. When I'm like this, all I feel is this intense sadness that doesn't go away. I'm the only one who fell in love for some stupid reason. And knowing that, hurts.

I'm a mess. I should improve. I didn't give her a chance. Most of the time. I wasn't able to. And i regret all of that to the core of my existence. 

Stupid fucking mental health. And then there are people who say everything is normal and it's just in my mind. Of course it's just in my mind but i can't seem to live with it.

I don't think this is just me assuming

Hypersexual behaviour with sexual anhedonia.

Regrets

Did I hurt you a lot?
I didn't mean to.
I am sorry for all that.
I still am. And I feel like I'm hurting myself.
I should get better. Treat you and others better.
May god heal me for that.
I wish I didn't get depressed afterwards.
I truly do.

Can one live without love?

Is it possible to live without love?
It feels like only love can free us
Yet, why do we find it so hard to love?
Why are we so forgotten about love?
Why are we not in tune with the universe?
Why are we not flowing in time?

Maybe, we should love again
To flow again, like a river
To be one with the ourselves
And the universe
And the beautiful life

I should get back to love
For I can't seem to breathe without it
I was in love once, and I missed that feeling
Maybe it is the truth that I am missing
I have to love and keep my ring promise
That I had made to my younger self

He was happier and content
Maybe I am missing on love, and the promise
But I should get back to it
As early as I can

For maybe, the garden of eden is here and now,
and maybe, we should feel it again.

Ear Pain

Digestion, bloating, bacteria and ear pain are linked.

Hope

In a logical world, I should stop trying and die

But my heart wants to live somehow

And there is this sadness that I can't part with

I don't know if I'll find the cause and be okay

I'm tired of this life

I'm not able to do anything positive

Everything is hard

There's no love in my heart

Maybe god will heal me

Maybe he will let me find the cause of all this pain

I shall keep up the hope that someday I'll feel alright

Coming back to love

Back to love is always difficult.
Sometimes you wish you were always be able to love, and was in love.
Your heart breaks for all the love that you were not able to give.
All the happiness that you were not able to experience.
All the moments of joy that you have missed.
Yet, I have to keep love in my heart and hope for joyful moments.
I think that's hope in love.
It's redeeming. Cleans your heart.
Fills you with purpose and joy.
Makes you beautiful.

Don't give up

Don't give up no matter how much anxious you feel, desperate you feel, sick you feel.
You will find the answers soon and will feel alright soon.
Don't give up on it.

Whey

I feel so much calm after consuming isolated whey protein.
Is it the tryptophan getting absorbed?
Maybe I should continue the gluten free diet, and have whey protein when I can to feel happy and okay.
And my friend suggested meditation, I should try that too!

Test

I want this test to end in a good way

But this is harsh

Living without love

Letting go of everything

I wanna sink and end all of this

Leave this world so that I can fly

Or may this test end well

And make me feel light again

May it fill me with love again

So that I may breathe again

And live

I feel so sad, alone and broken

Lost

 I was crying out to God to help and heal me
To heal my mental health and make me feel better
It was a desperate call.
After all the tears, I slept for a bit
And woke up feeling stable.
A lot stabler.
I don't know why.

Maybe I should try a stricter lactose free diet.
Maybe god is giving me hope
to try again
Maybe it is the answer
I am confused as to why it is though
Is it genetic lactose intolerance?
Or is it from the gluten sensitivity?

I asked chatgpt and it said it's better for me to go
gluten free and low lactose diet for now
and see if the digestion of lactose improves over time
If it does, it's gluten
If it doesn't, it's genetic lactose intolerance

Thank you god, and chatgpt.

I hope all struggling people get help like me.
I hope all of them see the light and joy of living.
I wish for more love in the world.

Not a bit of happiness

 I wonder why.
Scared to eat gluten,
Can't work with lactose.
Confused and depressed.
Hopeless.
Why though?

Gluten Aftermath

Better to be dead.

Cup of Coffee(with milk!)

Next morning is a mess,
No motivation, slight anxiety,
No wonder I was depressed all along.
I think it's the lactose,
wonder what's the root cause though
Could it be undigested lactose leading to inflammation?
Could it be due to genetic lactase deficiency or
Could it be due to the slight damage from gluten?
Lactose is a culprit anyway, Can't work
Can't think about anything since I will catastrophize

No more cup of coffee with milk
Atleast for now.

Fatigue

More whey might help? 

I feel so tired.

NCGS and Severe Depression

 My mind is dark, and depressed.
Unable to appreciate the beautiful things.
Scared, unable to love.
Anxious and worried.
Is it the gluten?
I need to numb my mind now.

Cruelty

Depression is cruel. Even when something good happens in one's life, it feels hopeless. Hard to express. Hope I overcome these feelings soon. Permanently.

To love is divine

 Every human is called to love

Born to love

All the time

Every moment

In one with the world

In love with the world

But how often do we realize it?

How often do we love?

Not everyone is able to love either.

It's a bit of luck, and even when you can,

You have to decide that you wanna spend this moment in love

Just in love, and bliss

It's all the happiness there is

Just love, just love

And just this moment

Nothing else is real

All is just love, just now.

Win for Humanity

 If AI and AI chat bots that became popular recently is transforming, touching and improving lives more than any human in society possibly can, I think it's a win for humanity. It's a milestone that we should work on for the betterment of humanity. So that all people may live happily and prosperously.

It's a victory for all the scientists and progressive reformers who have worked so hard since the beginning of time. This is one more victory towards freeing humans from the self inflicted slavery.

Let there be more love and happiness in the world.

Sin seeks Sinners

Sin seeks Sinners

It's dark yet luring

The sin wants you

To sin again

To be a sinner again

Your heart is dark

The sin gives you a temporal pleasure

To break your heart's darkness

Only to bleed in more darkness

It's black now 

And it'll be darker when you are with the sin

For sin seeks Sinners

To darken them more

To leave them used and dry

Love can break the black 

But will you find it soon? 

Or will you give yourself to the darkness?

Tryptophan?

There could be some issue with the absorption of essential nutrients or the generation of serotonin. And I feel like having whey liquid could accelerate that process and pick me up from the lows like it had in the past. Casein is too slow and hard to digest. Maybe I'm not reacting to casein. Could be that I'm not getting sufficient absorption of serotonin precursors. Just a theory. Oh and once the gut heals due to the gluten free diet, all of this process might improve a lot. Again, just a theory.

Gluten!

 I am not sure if anyone can imagine how sad of a state it is to be depressed, irritated and agitated. That's exactly what happens to me even with a slight pinch of gluten. It's frustrating. My mind changes and I start getting irritated and angrier. I think it's the loss of serotonin due to some sort of inflammation. I wish the medical field got more clarity into this. Also, I don't want kids. Why make them suffer?

Undigested lactose causing mental health issues?

I'm not sure about this. It feels like undigested lactose is causing me mental distress. Maybe I should limit non-fermented milk of all sorts for some time. I don't know what's causing the issue. Could it be that I have NCGS, or I have potential celiac disease, or that I could be genetically lactose intolerant, or am I reacting to the casein? I need more clarity. I am sure it'll help my spiritual and connected life.

Lactose Intolerance

 Am I lactose intolerant or am I reacting this badly to something else entirely?
I am writing this so that it may help someone else in life.
Or maybe it could help lead to some research some point in the future.

When I feel low after having milk, I try eating gluten and the journey to hell starts.
I feel terrible both physically and mentally.
Maybe I'll get more clarity soon and lead a happy life. :)

PS: This hurts.

Turning Point?

Maybe it's all going to change. 

I feel hopeful and that's great. :)

Hot and Itchy

I'm feeling hot. It's like I'm a furnace. I'm all itchy too even when I'm clean. Is the the gluten?

Can't close my eyes

Nightmares.

Can't sleep

I can't sleep

don't die

All my anxiety never goes away

Straining me with the tight rope

Delusional so much that i don't know

If i should trust my anxieties

Whether they are real or not

Yet i plead and shout

That it's not real but just my delusions

It's just some more days

Just some more

Else this is too much pain

Else this is one day less afterall