Lack of proof and the struggles

 Yesterday, I struggled to sleep at night since I had both coffee and didn't have enough yoghurt. When I felt chaotic I had some biscuits and I got to say I felt crazy the whole day today. I don't have any proof for this gluten thing though. Yet I feel sad and disgusted by myself and how I feel. I don't know what else I can do but to avoid gluten and try to be happy and content. I am angry and irritated.

Pessimism Everywhere

The whole world is struggling due to the wars. Increased fuel prices and shortage is hurting everyone one way or the other. Add to it the rising temperatures and climate to live in, especially in Kerala. People are trying to run from the heat one way or the other. People without access to air condition are living in hell. And the power cuts in Kerala isn't helping the mood either.

Challenges of Designing Something Novel

The ship might seem very simple from the outside. At first, I thought it would be simple to design and operate as well. But as the journey goes on, I’m beginning to realize the hardships, pain, loss, and struggles I have to face in order to improve the ship. I’ve added more safety features because of the limitations of the fragile human mind. Yet that weakness affects everything, including the mind itself. It is painful to watch and experience.

Obstructions

There are things that obstruct me from love and unity.
I feel sad and terrible when I am like that.
Hopefully, I will feel better soon.
Nothing feels good when I am like this.
Nothing is good enough to strive for.
I don't know if its gluten or the lack of yoghurt.

What is the science behind all of this? 

I feel dry

My project didn't work well yesterday.
Couldn't go to gym or badminton due to muscle pain.
Didn't have enough yoghurt and I don't feel good.

I have to keep trying today though. What other option do I have?

Essence

When I don't have fermented yogurt timely, I feel dead and dry.
Without it I feel like I have lost the essence of life.
No ability to love or live.
After all, milk is considered as Amrit in Ayurveda.

Lactose Intolerance and Depression - ChatGPT Deep Research

 See the pdf output.

Flight Test

I am trying to take off with my flight today. I am more hopeful this time. The vessel is much more robust and strong. It should help me survive the storms, as long as I abandon it. I should stick with it. Hopefully, it will go better this time.

I need to fix things. I feel left behind.

Tapering

 I had to cut my dosage of SNRI from 50mg to 25mg yesterday as prescribed and I have been in living hell since. I have to fight it out. I keep getting negative thoughts and I am tired. I am planning to have a bath in some hot water. Maybe tonight will be better.

Dependence on Dairy

Even though I am severely lactose intolerant, I start feeling low once I don't consume enough dairy products. The irony of it all. I am running on lactose free milk for now. I need to make good yogurt at home which I can hopefully tolerate better.

Rough Sea

I feel like I am in rough sea at the moment.
I feel like my ship was late to completion.
And maybe I should have waited for sometime
before attempting and creating shipwrecks.

Now I have to decide, if i should sail on my own
or try to join other ships.
Getting into other ships is not easy either.
I have to learn new skills.
And I am trying to learn anyway.

I hope my mental health stays good enough
for me to try all of these at least.
It is sad. That I had to leave my previous ship.
But fate maybe. Or is it the helm?
I feel sad either way. 

Trying

I am trying so hard to feel okay without the medicines. But it might not happen. I am seeing if casein is giving me the issues. It could be. It could not be. Or it could be just gluten or lactose. I have to keep and open mind. I have to try again. And if it doesn't work, go back promptly to medicine. No point in struggling. Even though medicine isn't perfect, its a better state than this I feel.

Depression

I am back in the blue tent
And I think this time it could be the casein or the lactose
But whatever it is, the sadness is true
It is there. Covering me like snow.
I can see things but then I feel sad.
There is no pleasure.
I am listening to Storms by Fleetwood Mac,
and I gotta say that the song is very relatable for me

Maybe we all are lost and in search of a shore
Like a ship lost in a storm
Or it's just few like us who wander the
depths of the human mind
Without knowing where to go
where to move
We get stuck in the emotional chaos
Due to one or the other reasons
I truly wish we were together
Would have been easier for me to
part the seas

Now I am low
And I don't want this
Maybe it will go away
I should stop testing casein
I feel sad
Very sad 

Tapering

A few of my closest friends had told me that I was different before, that I was calm and collected. They were curious about what happened to me. They couldn't grasp what happened to me. They still might think that I am creating all the fuss.

Now, I am trying to taper my medicine with a casein-free diet(dairy-free now, thinking of adding fermented whey liquid back later). Maybe casein was all there was to my mental health issues. Perhaps casein was the one causing all the inflammation in my body. Maybe once I stop casein, my mind and body can heal. Finally, I might be able to enjoy life more.

Nutrition

I think one of the core issue why I struggle mentally is my dietary restrictions.
I have been a vegan mostly till I turned 19.
After that I had tried adding milk, but it didn't went well sadly.
But then when I go vegan, I feel lifeless and confused.
It's like I need something more. And milk helps initially.
B12 tablets doesn't help with that feelings.
I am experimenting with eggs now.
I have been finding it easier to have omelettes.
Today I am trying out boiled egg pieces with chilly powder and salt.

Don't judge me but I feel alive a little right after eating a small piece.
May I get more courage to eat more nutritious food soon. 

Fighting injustice.

The world is a beautiful place.
But then it happens. Some folks do something for their own benefits and satisfaction against "common justice".

Well, maybe common justice needs a definition of your own.
Anyway, you'll have to fight at times, because you are listening to your heart.
Fortunately, it throbs against evil(relative) all the time.

What if there is none to support you?
You just fight.
Because there is no other way out.
It is better to die than to live as dead.