Bad Loop

I've been having a terrible week.

I don't know if it's gluten or lactose. 

I have to be careful.

I'm tired.

Dependence on Dairy

Even though I am severely lactose intolerant, I start feeling low once I don't consume enough dairy products. The irony of it all. I am running on lactose free milk for now. I need to make good yogurt at home which I can hopefully tolerate better.

I don't like Java

I should never have used Kotlin.

Confusing

I don't feel well.
Even with meds.
I feel broken.
I feel like I have never felt alright.
I don't know if I can have gluten or not.
I'm scared of gluten.
Lactose depresses me.
I need to learn and improve.
But I am scared of my mind too.

Not a Good Day

I'm severely depressed today

I had my own yoghurt yesterday

Nothing feels good today

I have ordered some lactase enzymes

I'll get it tomorrow

I'm too tired for any happiness or joy

I couldn't work today 

There was no hope

Why am I like this?

Tired of all this

Rough Sea

I feel like I am in rough sea at the moment.
I feel like my ship was late to completion.
And maybe I should have waited for sometime
before attempting and creating shipwrecks.

Now I have to decide, if i should sail on my own
or try to join other ships.
Getting into other ships is not easy either.
I have to learn new skills.
And I am trying to learn anyway.

I hope my mental health stays good enough
for me to try all of these at least.
It is sad. That I had to leave my previous ship.
But fate maybe. Or is it the helm?
I feel sad either way. 

Sleep and Never Wake Up

I don't know what's wrong with me

People may see me as ungrateful

My stomach burns

I don't know if it's gluten

I'm not able to tolerate lactose at all

How will I live or be happy? 

Only thing that sustains me is the medicine.

holding on

I didn't write anything till now since i was holding on to life barely especially in the mornings. 

I have restarted the medicines.

Stopped gluten a day back.

I don't know if it's the gluten or my situation that's giving me crippling anxiety.

I couldn't do anything but just hold on to my own dear life.

On bed. Just holding on.

Everyone supports me. And that gives me some hope even though I couldn't see.

Today morning it's a little better.

The weight has decreased. Not fully. But it's some hope for me.

I won't have gluten anymore.

Not because any tests are positive but because I want to breathe and live.