Storms

I'm sailing through a storm. Support is low. I'm confused about what helps and what to stay away from. I have to follow the safe route and hope my mind stays resilient. What else can I do? I need to heal my mind. I need to calm my mind. Then only can I survive this storm. The journey will be official soon. Hopefully it won't bring in more pressure. I hope I'm not stupid.

Draining

The mornings have become draining and exhausting. I don't know if the tapering of the medicine or the stupid gluten I had earlier this week. Or if i am needing to have more yogurt daily. What I do know is that I am tired of this life. It's too hard to live by.

I am hoping this stupid feelings will go away slowly as I stay away from gluten.

Lack of proof and the struggles

 Yesterday, I struggled to sleep at night since I had both coffee and didn't have enough yoghurt. When I felt chaotic I had some biscuits and I got to say I felt crazy the whole day today. I don't have any proof for this gluten thing though. Yet I feel sad and disgusted by myself and how I feel. I don't know what else I can do but to avoid gluten and try to be happy and content. I am angry and irritated.

Authentication

The more I work with software, the more I learn that I don't know much about best practices for user authentication. No wonder people prefer to use cloud authentication platforms. Also, it's always better for such systems have inputs and audits from many entities and personnel.

Gluten

Even though there is no proof for gluten allergy or celiac disease, for some stupid reason I react to gluten. I feel like I'm bipolar when i have gluten. The depression that follows is terrible. Not to mention other symptoms including hypersexuality.

I find it difficult sometimes since no tests were conclusively positive except the Marsh 1 inflammation finding.

True Requirement

The more I tread water, the more I see the requirement of my technology for all the farers. It's rough especially for the small ships. Big ships might already have access to such safety mechanisms. The question is will I be able to deliver? Will it be of good quality?

Pessimism Everywhere

The whole world is struggling due to the wars. Increased fuel prices and shortage is hurting everyone one way or the other. Add to it the rising temperatures and climate to live in, especially in Kerala. People are trying to run from the heat one way or the other. People without access to air condition are living in hell. And the power cuts in Kerala isn't helping the mood either.

Challenges of Designing Something Novel

The ship might seem very simple from the outside. At first, I thought it would be simple to design and operate as well. But as the journey goes on, I’m beginning to realize the hardships, pain, loss, and struggles I have to face in order to improve the ship. I’ve added more safety features because of the limitations of the fragile human mind. Yet that weakness affects everything, including the mind itself. It is painful to watch and experience.

Obstructions

There are things that obstruct me from love and unity.
I feel sad and terrible when I am like that.
Hopefully, I will feel better soon.
Nothing feels good when I am like this.
Nothing is good enough to strive for.
I don't know if its gluten or the lack of yoghurt.

What is the science behind all of this? 

I feel dry

My project didn't work well yesterday.
Couldn't go to gym or badminton due to muscle pain.
Didn't have enough yoghurt and I don't feel good.

I have to keep trying today though. What other option do I have?

Essence

When I don't have fermented yogurt timely, I feel dead and dry.
Without it I feel like I have lost the essence of life.
No ability to love or live.
After all, milk is considered as Amrit in Ayurveda.

Lactose Intolerance and Depression - ChatGPT Deep Research

 See the pdf output.

Flight Test

I am trying to take off with my flight today. I am more hopeful this time. The vessel is much more robust and strong. It should help me survive the storms, as long as I abandon it. I should stick with it. Hopefully, it will go better this time.

I need to fix things. I feel left behind.

Tapering

 I had to cut my dosage of SNRI from 50mg to 25mg yesterday as prescribed and I have been in living hell since. I have to fight it out. I keep getting negative thoughts and I am tired. I am planning to have a bath in some hot water. Maybe tonight will be better.

Dry

 I feel dry without dairy. No energy to think or do anything productive. Just dry. Coffee helps a little to feel good. Need dairy so badly.

Some brands of lactase enzymes doesn't really work

 I don't know if it's just me but some brands of lactase enzymes doesn't really help me. Brands like bioven. I don't know why. Wish there was some quality control on their side. Or maybe they have. I don't know. I can feel that I am not absorbing enough nutrition. I just feel sad and dry. I have ordered from another brand now, but it will take a few days to reach.

Bad Loop

I've been having a terrible week.

I don't know if it's gluten or lactose. 

I have to be careful.

I'm tired.

Dependence on Dairy

Even though I am severely lactose intolerant, I start feeling low once I don't consume enough dairy products. The irony of it all. I am running on lactose free milk for now. I need to make good yogurt at home which I can hopefully tolerate better.

I don't like Java

I should never have used Kotlin.

Confusing

I don't feel well.
Even with meds.
I feel broken.
I feel like I have never felt alright.
I don't know if I can have gluten or not.
I'm scared of gluten.
Lactose depresses me.
I need to learn and improve.
But I am scared of my mind too.

Not a Good Day

I'm severely depressed today

I had my own yoghurt yesterday

Nothing feels good today

I have ordered some lactase enzymes

I'll get it tomorrow

I'm too tired for any happiness or joy

I couldn't work today 

There was no hope

Why am I like this?

Tired of all this

Rough Sea

I feel like I am in rough sea at the moment.
I feel like my ship was late to completion.
And maybe I should have waited for sometime
before attempting and creating shipwrecks.

Now I have to decide, if i should sail on my own
or try to join other ships.
Getting into other ships is not easy either.
I have to learn new skills.
And I am trying to learn anyway.

I hope my mental health stays good enough
for me to try all of these at least.
It is sad. That I had to leave my previous ship.
But fate maybe. Or is it the helm?
I feel sad either way. 

Sleep and Never Wake Up

I don't know what's wrong with me

People may see me as ungrateful

My stomach burns

I don't know if it's gluten

I'm not able to tolerate lactose at all

How will I live or be happy? 

Only thing that sustains me is the medicine.

holding on

I didn't write anything till now since i was holding on to life barely especially in the mornings. 

I have restarted the medicines.

Stopped gluten a day back.

I don't know if it's the gluten or my situation that's giving me crippling anxiety.

I couldn't do anything but just hold on to my own dear life.

On bed. Just holding on.

Everyone supports me. And that gives me some hope even though I couldn't see.

Today morning it's a little better.

The weight has decreased. Not fully. But it's some hope for me.

I won't have gluten anymore.

Not because any tests are positive but because I want to breathe and live.