Draining

The mornings have become draining and exhausting. I don't know if the tapering of the medicine or the stupid gluten I had earlier this week. Or if i am needing to have more yogurt daily. What I do know is that I am tired of this life. It's too hard to live by.

I am hoping this stupid feelings will go away slowly as I stay away from gluten.

Lack of proof and the struggles

 Yesterday, I struggled to sleep at night since I had both coffee and didn't have enough yoghurt. When I felt chaotic I had some biscuits and I got to say I felt crazy the whole day today. I don't have any proof for this gluten thing though. Yet I feel sad and disgusted by myself and how I feel. I don't know what else I can do but to avoid gluten and try to be happy and content. I am angry and irritated.

Obstructions

There are things that obstruct me from love and unity.
I feel sad and terrible when I am like that.
Hopefully, I will feel better soon.
Nothing feels good when I am like this.
Nothing is good enough to strive for.
I don't know if its gluten or the lack of yoghurt.

What is the science behind all of this? 

Heavily Fermented Yoghurt

I have to write about what helps me. Otherwise, it would not be fair to me or others. Perhaps it can help others as well. Those who have struggles with their mental health and happiness.

I am not able to tolerate lightly fermented curd. Even a little thing impacts my ability to feel happiness. Gluten makes me a mess.

But what helps me is 48-hour fermented yogurt. It soothes me. My mind, body and soul. I crave it all the time. Hopefully, I will be able to drink it when I need it.

It's not a want, it's a necessity for happiness.

Maybe, finally, I have broken the depression code?

Trying

I am trying so hard to feel okay without the medicines. But it might not happen. I am seeing if casein is giving me the issues. It could be. It could not be. Or it could be just gluten or lactose. I have to keep and open mind. I have to try again. And if it doesn't work, go back promptly to medicine. No point in struggling. Even though medicine isn't perfect, its a better state than this I feel.

Tapering

A few of my closest friends had told me that I was different before, that I was calm and collected. They were curious about what happened to me. They couldn't grasp what happened to me. They still might think that I am creating all the fuss.

Now, I am trying to taper my medicine with a casein-free diet(dairy-free now, thinking of adding fermented whey liquid back later). Maybe casein was all there was to my mental health issues. Perhaps casein was the one causing all the inflammation in my body. Maybe once I stop casein, my mind and body can heal. Finally, I might be able to enjoy life more.

Suddenly

Suddenly everything is irritating.

Every dirt tears me apart to the core.

My skin bleeds with every dirt and imperfection.

Note Added Later (Thursday, 3 July 2025 12:09:52):

I had some butter as part of green peas masala for dinner, and I am assuming that caused or started all the chaos for reasons not scientifically known to me. Either the lactose leading to bacterial imbalance is causing slight inflammation in my small intestinal lining(Marsh 1 Inflammation) leading to depression, or the undigested lactose could also be affecting the production of serotonin.

I am unsure at the moment of what exactly is causing the issue. It could be casein too. Gluten gives me a burning sensation, but I am continuing with it since I feel it makes me a lot more lively and happy for now. I am on medicine too. So can't really say for sure.

Gluten Again

 I am trying out gluten again while on medicine. I am not having much yoghurt or lactose free milk. I suspect lactose or casein for the marsh 1 inflammation.

I don't know what I am doing is right or not. Sometimes I feel good and active. Excited.

But sometimes I don't feel that good either. But I am motivated to work. Sometimes I feel tired.

There is no pleasure still. It feels dry. Maybe I should give this more try and then decide.

Hope I don't mess up a lot. And finish my work targets on time.