Memories, Past and Complexity

I sometimes ponder over the memories. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes otherwise. And I think to myself how I messed it up with you. How it could have been? And maybe my small mistakes leading to a bad end? But I was confused. And I had issues. I didn't knew then. But then I did confess but you were long gone. Out of my reach. Then I have some panic moments with my past. The haunting horror that is myself. I find myself numb, alone and lost in that darkness sometimes. It was not something I wished for. Sometimes I think if I'll ever be okay. Maybe I never will be. Then there is this complexity of life. That I can't seem to parlay smoothly trapped among my memories and my past. I'm scared sometimes. Even of people close to me.